A whole lot of poo

Dear Diary, Mood: Apathetic. lol jokes my mood is some kind of mixture between anger, sadness, jealously, guilt and a whole lot of other things, but those are the main ones. Anywho, let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start. Ok, so I'm tryna' organize this crap game, LOL jokes, ok seriously. At the moment life is being a little bit mean, just a tad. I feel like talking about everyone in my life, let's start with my dearest mother. Ok, so this afternoon, she asks me if I liked the chocolate cake she made, (simple question) I jokingly reply with a big grin, 'nah it's old, you need some new recipes' and she bursts out crying, and I sit there, ok, what have I done? (btw my mother never cries like this, it's so fucking weird, I'm weirded out like my family is becoming one of those families that is dysfunctional but has problems on a WHOLE different level, and it's scaring me. Btw there is no chance of a divorce if that sprang to mind, the one this I'm sure of is that.) My family has always been that run of the mill, arguing older brother and sister, sport on a Saturday morning, be home before 8 O'clock type family. Dad works his office job, you'll find mum in the laundry if you're looking for her type stuff. But it's gotten way out of wack. My brother triggered this, he, let us say, has lots of issues and it's hard for him to live here, as home is a haven, but he has to hide it from my sisters so he can never truly relax. Anyway, mum's always worried about him, and I think that's what triggers the crying and the perpetual sadness, and I know dad's worried but he doesn't show it, and when he does, I know shit has got bad. My dad tearing up is one of the worst feelings in the world. Anyway, I am feeling really selfish as I have lived here for about 5 years since this all started, and it's draining me and I know I shouldn't want to leave, but I can't stand my family no more. I know my brother's issues, and I know I have to keep it a secret from my sisters because they don't know. I also have to sit through my parents lectures telling me that I don't know half of what goes on in this family, when I know more than they do. I have to support my brother and always let him win every argument because it makes him feel better about himself. I have to watch when he smokes weed everyday of his life and act like it's cool so he feels he has someone at home he can relax around, all the while keeping this knowledge hidden from my parents so they don't worry about me because they have enough to worry about. My little sister is your standard annoying demon from hell little sister which adds to the pile. And all this hasn't really set in yet, I almost don't want to post it because it doesn't seem real. I see myself as an average teenage boy with average teenage problems, and that's how I want to feel. To be honest all this doesn't really get to me that much, I don't see it as a big thing but when I think about it, I don't think too many people have older brothers who have ended up in hospital more times than healthy. Anywho this isn't even the big problem, and typing this is making me depressed ahaha let's add a little fun into the mix. I don't know how I will but I'll try.Anywho, the thing that has me down at the moment. Love. I wish life could go back to 5 months ago when the girl I loved and still love loved me too. I feel like that little boy from love actually whose mum has just died but he doesn't really care about that because he's in love ahaha that's me and my family. (back to the family for a second, I don't really worry about it, and it takes up about 1% of my thoughts, so don't get too strung up on it). Anywho, this girl has left a massive hole in my life, and here's where the selfish part comes in.And I'm hesitant to type this as it ties in with the guilt. My friends all have best-friends, and I'm no one's number one anymore. I had HER, but since SHE'S gone I'm no one's numero uno. My best male friend has his lady friend who I'm also good friends with, but of course they have each other as their besties. My other male friends have girlfriends and better male friends than me. My female friends are non existent, except those younger and older than me, who are all in relationships. In terms of my male best-friend, I don't want to say anything to him, because either it will make him guilty or, more likely and more scary, he won't really care because he's blinded by love ahahah. As for his lady friend (and I know you're reading this) she would like to be if she could I think, but she can't, her having lost a best friend recently and having obviously my best-friend ahahah. Feeling like a constant jim in on their relationship. Anywho, I have no one who needs me as much as I need them since SHE left. I need her back, but she doesn't know I'm still in love with her, we don't talk, I know everything about her yet nothing. I feel alone and all I want is somebody to love thank you Freddy Mercury, preferably having HER love me back.

The Good Life

I fucking hate living in this house with my family. I'm a happy person by nature, I like to think I'm bubbly and wake up in a good mood. I like to think I joke and sing and do fun things alot, but in this house everyone else is so god damn unhappy all the time it's just a negative influence. Now don't get me wrong, I am not just bailing on this sinking ship, I have tried for years to make people sing and dance and joke with me, to try to cheer them up and make them happy, but it's like they want to be sad. Dad get's home after a 12 hour day and works another 3 hours before he goes to bed, mum is completely intolerant of anything that isn't school work. Any time spent on the internet (which I happen to believe is the greatest invention in the history of mankind), any time playing my instruments or watching TV is wasted. Any time that could be spent 'learning' (school work) and isn't is a waste. But might I say the internet has taught me far more, than school, along with life and friends, school ranks about 7, just below my parents, which come in behind a variety of other more knowledgeable sources. They get angry at me for not spending time with them, when it's blatantly obvious they are horribly company to keep, Dad barely has time for anyone anyway and they few hours I do see him he's always busy with something else. My little sister has perpetually been in a bad mood since grade one, and my older sister has perpetually had the mental capacity of a tenth grader since she graduated. Older brother, he's the closest to me, he jokes, but he's never really happy, he is the most mature, but he gets sucked into the negativity all to easily. I refuse to be dragged into it. I refuse to join in with this game that they seem to have going on 'who can be the saddest for the longest'. Scratch that. Dad just walked in. I know my father is a brilliant man, but sometimes I forget. He just reminded me why. As he said, like his father before him, hard work never killed anyone. I think he lives too much by that though, if you're living your life in constant emotional mediocrity, then is it really living? I need to get out of here, before it gets to me. I don't want to lose what little bit of magic I have left in me like everyone else has.

Luck be a Lady Tonight

I'm in love with this song, and I just want my voice to not be sore so it's not croaky when I sing :(

Yippeeee!

Just got bored and made a GIF of the drawings I did a while ago

Oh Hello there

Let's write a rant, I'm fucking bored and I've got nothing better too do that just write on here, blah blah I'm just going to keep typing and talking out loud what I am going to type, it's a refreshing experience and at the moment I'm listening to Tim Minchin play rock and roll nerd, omfg I love him he's amazing and i want to be in his pants lololololol I'm really tired and I've just spent the last 3 hours playing halo on-line and getting crewed over by fucking noobs, now pardon my French. Anywho, SACRE BLEU, INVADERS! lololol anyone? no? ok. this probs make's no sense to anyone reading this and I don't even care, imma be so famous one day lol no ok I'm just typing random shit and it's rather entertaining actually, I wrote a song the other day and I got my buddy to sing it, I'm so proud it actually sounds good, thanks to my Williams voice. He's such a lovely boy.

And deep in his heart, he knows he will never be Bono or Bowie. lololol I am making zero sense and i just want to have a beer I am craving it and Briana if you stalk this don't think I've completely lost the plot, this was me in my golden stage, I was just ranting all the day every day I'm feeling better and it reminds me of how i was on the Christmas holidays, with the ability to say whatever the hell I wanted and say it good too. The gift of the gab, my dad has it too, we just banter lolo fotc? anyone? hey Brit, what did you do today? I went to the bank? the New Zealand crowd they just loved it. a;fklasdj;flkajf Anyway there are so many spelling mistakes looking up as I have typed this all in one go and so fast that I haven't been checking what I'm saying it's gonna be fun going back through and correcting all this shit, and I got peeps talking to me on fb, bitches be Cray, oh and i ran into some crazy bitches this afternoon, apparently they hate me, well I hate them, and if each one of them got chosen to go on a solo mission to the sun and died, they'd deserve it. No, I'd never wish death on no one, but they need a rude awakening, like a massive shock ahahaha lol I've lost it I'm going to correct this spelling and be off,.

Nothing really

I hadn't posted in a while but I'd thought I'd write this down so I'm admitting it to myself so it becomes real. I'm actually feeling alot happier! I'm making jokes I'm being creative again I'm relaxed I'm getting there yay!

I'm in a writing mood

Ok I just feel like writing stuff so I'm going to keep this entry open all day and add to it when I feel some random thought or idea or anything pop into my head which I feel the need to write about, and at the end of my writing mood I'll post it. It is bound to go off an tangents and make little sense to people who aren't me, but hey, no one is really going to read it anyway. And typing that paragraph I just typed was rally difficult as my hands and fingers are really cold and not working properly. Even typing now is painful so I'm going to come back when my hands are awake and warm! Ok I'm back and I'm singing Belle from beauty and the beast and I want to be able to sing better, some days I can sing great, (I think) other days I just can't hit any notes and I sound like balls. Learning to sing is on my list of things to learn how to do properly, along with tap dance, finish learning piano, guitar and drums. Ok, another break... I just finished my music composition! (the actual music that goes with the lyrics I posted earlier) I can't actually play it that well but I'll see if I can upload it later. I don't know why I'm talking like I have an audience. I know only one person has the URL for this so it's unlikely anyone is really ever going to read this, but yeah, let's talk like people are listening! Very few people actually listen these days, people don't understand things because they don't listen. Words are magic but they don't work if people don't listen. Silly people. Ok I'm back again, and I know anyone who reads this won't notice the time delay because this is all posted at once but I don't even care lolol. I'm going to have one more try and recording this song then imma upload it! Ok I just finished recording it and it's nowhere near perfect but I'm going to upload it anyway! Woo me. Oh great I can't find a way to upload it, imma post this and search some more!

Because I felt like it

I have kept a folder of all the photo's I come across which remind me of the person who the post 'her' is dedicated to. Some of them might not make sense to anyone who reads this, but some of them are obvious, I just thought I'd post them, because they are all true 100%.

Gosh I love intelligent people

I found this on Tumblr when I was scrolling through the somewhat pointless posts to pass the time. It caught my eye and it is brilliant, I don't know who to give credit to but it's still awesome ahaahahah here it is:

This is an enormous chain and I’m sorry, but I need to say this:

The laws in the Old Testament were set forth by god as the rules the Hebrews needed to follow in order to be righteous, to atone for the sin of Adam and Eve and to be able to get into Heaven. That is also why they were required to make sacrifices, because it was part of the appeasement for Original Sin.

According to Christian theology, when Jesus came from Heaven, it was for the express purpose of sacrificing himself on the cross so that our sins may be forgiven. His sacrifice was supposed to be the ultimate act that would free us from the former laws and regulations and allow us to enter Heaven by acting in his image. That is why he said “it is finished” when he died on the cross. That is why Christians don’t have to circumcise their sons (god’s covenant with Jacob), that is why they don’t have to perform animal sacrifice, or grow out their forelocks, or follow any of the other laws of Leviticus.

When you quote Leviticus as god’s law and say they are rules we must follow because they are what god or Jesus wants us to do, what you are really saying, as a Christian, is that Christ’s sacrifice on the cross was invalid. He died in vain because you believe we are still beholden to the old laws. That is what you, a self-professed good Christian, are saying to your god and his son, that their plan for your salvation wasn’t good enough for you.

So maybe actually read the thing before you start quoting it, because the implications of your actions go a lot deeper than you think.

/An atheist who understands Christian theology better than Bible-thumpers do.

Little Town

I printed off the sheet music to "Belle" from Beauty and the Beast, I HAVEN'T LEARNT A NEW SONG IN A YEAR OMG SO HARD

Lyrics

I need to write a song for my music classes assignment and so I'm going to type out lyrics on here ok good.

You came into my life, and threw it upside down
Bit by bit you tore my feelings out
We had it all so good, everything was right
But locked your heart away and we began to fight

SOMEONE WRITE ME A CHORUS

It wasn't complicated
It was the simplest thing
You were selfish
But who cares now, you win

5-7-10

• • 
    

Shit

Hello there no one, I am really bored and so why don't I ramble on here so I don't bother anyone ahaha I'm so awesome. Anywho what's on my mind right now is alot of things, mainly this stupid eulogy I have to right in the place of Laertes, Ophelia's brother from Hamlet and it is dead boring. I mean I am a book worm and a history buff if I ever saw one, but seriously this is the most boring thing to right about, and to make it even harder and weird I am an emotional person but I cannot fake emotion for shit, and so when I'm pretending my 'beloved sister has drowned herself in a river and I don't immediately feel a tug at my heartstrings, it just makes me feel doomed. This is stupid I dislike this shit. Anywho moving on, I have reached an emotional stage where I just feel empty of all love, not for my friends, but for those people who I love with a different kind of love. I know I love them but I am incapable of feeling it at the present time. Which is a familiar sensation but one I have not felt for quite some time. And I dislike it, it means I am going to be a difficult person to be around for a while and I'm going to push people away who I might have become friends with which I hate because meeting new people is one of my favourite things! Dang you emotions. Anywho I better get back to this stupid speech kill me if you read this anyone lolol

Her

Hello there I am about to go insane and so I am writing this blog entry to stop myself punching through walls and going to go die. Ok so long story short because I don't think many or any people who see this are hopeless romantics like me but the girl I am in love with (and I don't use that word lightly) has completely forgotten about me and treats me like I don't exist. She was my best-friend at one point, and the best friend I have ever had in my life. I have never really had too many close friends but she takes the cake, and then indeed she took that cake and ran away with it. And left me here to sit and wonder about how I fucked up. She is perfect and I had a chance with her, like I have never had with anyone ever before. She told me she loved me, she told me I was her best-friend, she kissed me and she hugged me and she was perfect. Now she ignores me and I doubt I cross her mind at all. I don't know what I did because she won't tell me, and I blame myself, and somewhere deep down I know I shouldn't but I am about as likely to blame her as I am to kill her, and that's never going to happen. To lose someone that close, I know it's cliché and all, but my life was thrown upside down and yeah, you all know the drill, I'm going to wag on and on about how I have a greater capacity to love her than anyone else does to love the people they love. But perhaps I did love her more than most people could love someone. I didn't have to spread my love around. When I realised I was in love there was no one else in my life except a few acquaintances, there was no best friend or no girlfriend, there was no group and I didn't fit into any social status. I wasn't just clinging to the only person I knew and falling for her, I knew everyone and everyone knew me, I just didn't want to know them. But she opened my mind, something clicked and I stopped hating people for that split second long enough to let her into my heart and from that moment I was doomed. She was the closest I have ever been to another human being. And again, I don't know why I'm even explaining myself because no one even knows this blog exists and no one will probably stumble upon it except those express few I choose to show, but I don't care if this sounds cliché, I knew everything about her. I knew what pants she liked me to wear, I knew what places she liked to go and who she spent time with at them, I knew about her family and her ex, I knew about all her friends and what they did in their spare time, I knew how long it had been since she last dyed her hair, I knew just what to say when I bumped her newly pierced nose ring and it hurt her, I knew what noises she'd make when she hugged me, I knew the colour of her eyes so well I can see them clear as day every time I close my eyes, I knew where all her scars were, criss crossing her fingers and legs, I knew what she smelled like, I knew I was the luckiest person in the world when her hair got all caught in my face and we both started laughing, her rather exasperatedly. She gave a fuck about very few things, but I knew I was something that she did care about. I knew all the personality traits of her family members from her stories, I know what day I met her, I know what day we became friends, I know what day I told her I was in love with her for the first time. But I now I know she knows very few things about me, and anything she remembers she wants to forget. I still don't know how she could just leave my life like she did, after what happened, and I refuse to believe any of it was a lie. I just want to know, and I want her. Speaking in past tense is a lie though, I still KNOW everything. Life sucks.

Hello! How are you! How's the folks! What's new!

Hello there new blog, I have no idea what to write about but this blog is going to be the basis of where all my creative/weird ideas spill out and are recorded, where I highly doubt anyone, unless I expressly instruct them to look here, will find them! All very secret and hush hush I know yes ok. Moving along, ok, so anyway I have no idea what I'm going to type about so I'll just get typing! Hey guess what! I was singing "Singin' In The Rain" Yesterday, and I am in love with Gene Kelly, holy lord (even though there isn't one) I adore him. I want to learn to sing and tap dance but I just never have gotten round to it. Poop. Anywho how about I talk about something of substance? Ok maybe I will. I have nothing else on this topic actually so I'm going to post this and when something pops into my head I shall share it. Ok. Done.