Her

Hello there I am about to go insane and so I am writing this blog entry to stop myself punching through walls and going to go die. Ok so long story short because I don't think many or any people who see this are hopeless romantics like me but the girl I am in love with (and I don't use that word lightly) has completely forgotten about me and treats me like I don't exist. She was my best-friend at one point, and the best friend I have ever had in my life. I have never really had too many close friends but she takes the cake, and then indeed she took that cake and ran away with it. And left me here to sit and wonder about how I fucked up. She is perfect and I had a chance with her, like I have never had with anyone ever before. She told me she loved me, she told me I was her best-friend, she kissed me and she hugged me and she was perfect. Now she ignores me and I doubt I cross her mind at all. I don't know what I did because she won't tell me, and I blame myself, and somewhere deep down I know I shouldn't but I am about as likely to blame her as I am to kill her, and that's never going to happen. To lose someone that close, I know it's cliché and all, but my life was thrown upside down and yeah, you all know the drill, I'm going to wag on and on about how I have a greater capacity to love her than anyone else does to love the people they love. But perhaps I did love her more than most people could love someone. I didn't have to spread my love around. When I realised I was in love there was no one else in my life except a few acquaintances, there was no best friend or no girlfriend, there was no group and I didn't fit into any social status. I wasn't just clinging to the only person I knew and falling for her, I knew everyone and everyone knew me, I just didn't want to know them. But she opened my mind, something clicked and I stopped hating people for that split second long enough to let her into my heart and from that moment I was doomed. She was the closest I have ever been to another human being. And again, I don't know why I'm even explaining myself because no one even knows this blog exists and no one will probably stumble upon it except those express few I choose to show, but I don't care if this sounds cliché, I knew everything about her. I knew what pants she liked me to wear, I knew what places she liked to go and who she spent time with at them, I knew about her family and her ex, I knew about all her friends and what they did in their spare time, I knew how long it had been since she last dyed her hair, I knew just what to say when I bumped her newly pierced nose ring and it hurt her, I knew what noises she'd make when she hugged me, I knew the colour of her eyes so well I can see them clear as day every time I close my eyes, I knew where all her scars were, criss crossing her fingers and legs, I knew what she smelled like, I knew I was the luckiest person in the world when her hair got all caught in my face and we both started laughing, her rather exasperatedly. She gave a fuck about very few things, but I knew I was something that she did care about. I knew all the personality traits of her family members from her stories, I know what day I met her, I know what day we became friends, I know what day I told her I was in love with her for the first time. But I now I know she knows very few things about me, and anything she remembers she wants to forget. I still don't know how she could just leave my life like she did, after what happened, and I refuse to believe any of it was a lie. I just want to know, and I want her. Speaking in past tense is a lie though, I still KNOW everything. Life sucks.