A whole lot of poo

Dear Diary, Mood: Apathetic. lol jokes my mood is some kind of mixture between anger, sadness, jealously, guilt and a whole lot of other things, but those are the main ones. Anywho, let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start. Ok, so I'm tryna' organize this crap game, LOL jokes, ok seriously. At the moment life is being a little bit mean, just a tad. I feel like talking about everyone in my life, let's start with my dearest mother. Ok, so this afternoon, she asks me if I liked the chocolate cake she made, (simple question) I jokingly reply with a big grin, 'nah it's old, you need some new recipes' and she bursts out crying, and I sit there, ok, what have I done? (btw my mother never cries like this, it's so fucking weird, I'm weirded out like my family is becoming one of those families that is dysfunctional but has problems on a WHOLE different level, and it's scaring me. Btw there is no chance of a divorce if that sprang to mind, the one this I'm sure of is that.) My family has always been that run of the mill, arguing older brother and sister, sport on a Saturday morning, be home before 8 O'clock type family. Dad works his office job, you'll find mum in the laundry if you're looking for her type stuff. But it's gotten way out of wack. My brother triggered this, he, let us say, has lots of issues and it's hard for him to live here, as home is a haven, but he has to hide it from my sisters so he can never truly relax. Anyway, mum's always worried about him, and I think that's what triggers the crying and the perpetual sadness, and I know dad's worried but he doesn't show it, and when he does, I know shit has got bad. My dad tearing up is one of the worst feelings in the world. Anyway, I am feeling really selfish as I have lived here for about 5 years since this all started, and it's draining me and I know I shouldn't want to leave, but I can't stand my family no more. I know my brother's issues, and I know I have to keep it a secret from my sisters because they don't know. I also have to sit through my parents lectures telling me that I don't know half of what goes on in this family, when I know more than they do. I have to support my brother and always let him win every argument because it makes him feel better about himself. I have to watch when he smokes weed everyday of his life and act like it's cool so he feels he has someone at home he can relax around, all the while keeping this knowledge hidden from my parents so they don't worry about me because they have enough to worry about. My little sister is your standard annoying demon from hell little sister which adds to the pile. And all this hasn't really set in yet, I almost don't want to post it because it doesn't seem real. I see myself as an average teenage boy with average teenage problems, and that's how I want to feel. To be honest all this doesn't really get to me that much, I don't see it as a big thing but when I think about it, I don't think too many people have older brothers who have ended up in hospital more times than healthy. Anywho this isn't even the big problem, and typing this is making me depressed ahaha let's add a little fun into the mix. I don't know how I will but I'll try.Anywho, the thing that has me down at the moment. Love. I wish life could go back to 5 months ago when the girl I loved and still love loved me too. I feel like that little boy from love actually whose mum has just died but he doesn't really care about that because he's in love ahaha that's me and my family. (back to the family for a second, I don't really worry about it, and it takes up about 1% of my thoughts, so don't get too strung up on it). Anywho, this girl has left a massive hole in my life, and here's where the selfish part comes in.And I'm hesitant to type this as it ties in with the guilt. My friends all have best-friends, and I'm no one's number one anymore. I had HER, but since SHE'S gone I'm no one's numero uno. My best male friend has his lady friend who I'm also good friends with, but of course they have each other as their besties. My other male friends have girlfriends and better male friends than me. My female friends are non existent, except those younger and older than me, who are all in relationships. In terms of my male best-friend, I don't want to say anything to him, because either it will make him guilty or, more likely and more scary, he won't really care because he's blinded by love ahahah. As for his lady friend (and I know you're reading this) she would like to be if she could I think, but she can't, her having lost a best friend recently and having obviously my best-friend ahahah. Feeling like a constant jim in on their relationship. Anywho, I have no one who needs me as much as I need them since SHE left. I need her back, but she doesn't know I'm still in love with her, we don't talk, I know everything about her yet nothing. I feel alone and all I want is somebody to love thank you Freddy Mercury, preferably having HER love me back.