Opening your eyes to the world isn't enough any more. Things are hidden from view, and the old saying 'out of sight, out of mind' is more relevant now than ever. The world doesn't show you the things that need to be seen. The media promotes disinformation. Humanity fuels itself with ignorance. You need to open your mind. You need to think. I say that like it's a simple thing, but it's actually one of the most important things any one should ever do. People need to actively realise what's going on around them, what happened before they came about so the same mistakes aren't repeated. But they don't. People should. But they don't. Humanity has got about ten thousand years of mistakes to learn from, mistakes documented so frequently and commonly that a trip to the nearest good book store would surround oneself with the knowledge on how not to live. Open your mind. Please.

You’re sitting in your room ~ door locked ~ with a pen in your hand and a blank piece of paper infront of you. Your hand is shaking, and the tears begin again - for the third time in the past hour. ‘To my family’ you write at the top of the page, but decide it’s a bad way to begin your letter ~ your suicide letter. You try again, start over ~ again and again, but you don’t know where to begin. No one understands you; no one knows what you’re going through, you’re alone  or at least that’s what you think. Nobody would care if you’re alive or not, you mean nothing to nobody.

It’s night, and you slip into bed. ’Goodbye’ you whisper into the darkness. And with that, you take your last breathe and end it all.

No body cares, right? Well you thought wrong. It’s a Tuesday the following morning, and when it’s 7:21, your mother comes and knocks on your door. She doesn’t know you can’t hear her  she doesn’t know you’re gone. She knocks a few more times, calling your name to open up. When there is no reply from your side of the door, she opens it and screams. She collapses on the ground while your dad rushes to your room. Your siblings have already left for school. Your very weak mother collects all the energy she’s got  which is close to nothing  to walk over to your bed. She leans over your dead body, crying, squeezing your hand, screaming. Your dad is trying to stay strong, but the tears escape his eyes; calling 000 or 911 with his left hand while his other one is on your mother’s back. Your mother blames herself. All those times she had said ‘no’ to you, all those times she had screamed at you, and sent you to your room over something stupid. Your father will blame himself  for not being there for you when you asked for help, for being away from home at work for long. Nobody cares, right?

8:34. There’s a knock on your classroom door  it’s the school principle. She looks more worried than ever. She calls the teacher to the side; all the students worried: what’s going on? The principle then later announces about your suicide. The popular girl that always called you fat and ugly is now blaming herself. The kid that would always copy your homework but treat you like crap ~ he’s blaming himself. The boy that sits behind you ~ the one that always threw things at you during class ~ he’s blaming himself too. The teacher is blaming herself - for all those times she’d scream at you for forgetting your homework, or not listening in class. People are crying, screaming, shocked, in regret of what they did. They’ll all be devastated - even the kids you’ve never talked to before. Still nobody cares about you, right?

Your siblings get home. Your mother has to tell them that you’re gone; forever. Your little sister ~ no matter how many times she’s screamed at you, told you she hated you and stole your stuff ~ always loved you, and saw you as her hero; her role model. She now starts to blame herself; why didn’t I do what she told me to do when she told me to? Why did I take her stuff even when she asked me not to? This is all my fault. Your brother gets home ~ the boy that never cries. He’s now in his room; mad at himself ~ he caused your death. All those times he’d played pranks on you. He’s punching holes in his wall, turning over things; he doesn’t know how to deal with the fact that you’re gone. Forever. Nobody cares about you, right? Right?

It has been over a month. The door to your room has been closed all this time. Everything is different now. Your brother has to be sent to anger management classes, your little sister cries everyday  still waiting for you to come back. Everyday she waits for you to come back home. The popular girls have now turned anorexic. They don’t know how to deal with the pain that they’re feeling. Your father has depression; your mother hasn’t slept for nights  it’s all her fault. She’s been crying and screaming every night  wishing for you to come back. The boy who would always bother you dropped out of school. The boy that copied your homework now cuts. But nobody cares about you, aren’t I right?

Your mother finally decides to go clean out your room. But she can’t do it. She’s locked herself in your room for two days to try to clean up your clothes, your things. But she can’t  she can’t say goodbye to you, not yet, not now. Never.

It’s your funeral. It’s a big one ~ everybody comes. No one knows what to say. The beautiful girl with the big smile is gone; you’re somewhere else. No one knows what to say, they’re all still shocked. Everyone cries, everyone misses you. They all wish you’d come back  but you don’t, and you won’t.

Still think nobody cares about you? Think again. Even if people don’t show it, they care about you, they love you. If you kill yourself today  or any other day  you won’t know just how much you meant to people. If you kill yourself today, it stops your pain, but it pains all the ones who know you for the rest of their life. Suicide is the easy way out - but it’s the wrong choice. Life is beautiful. Yes, it does have its ups and downs  everyone has their bad days. Sometimes people go through tough times in their lives like you’re probably going through now  but bad times come and go. You might not see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s there. No matter how hard life gets, never give up on yourself, or on your life.

Take a minute now, and think. If you killed yourself ~ how would the people that love you feel/go through? Can’t think of anything? Well I’ll tell you: tears, tears, and more tears. Devastation. Guilt. Pain. Broken. Regret. Miserable.

If after reading this you still feel suicidal, there are people that can help you. I’m here for you whenever you need me, and I’ll be more than happy to listen to you and try to help you feel better. There are teachers, parents, grandparents, neighbors, adults, councilors ~ they’re all there for you whenever you need them.

I just want you to remember three things: you’re beautiful, you’re not alone, and it does get better, I promise. ♥

I'd go to Germany with Bri
Italy with William
New York with Allie
London with Judi
Cuzco with Ali
France with Tee

Those places suit their personalities

People are sick, and they are dying in their thousands
and he just went and bought his kids each new houses
he didn't spare a thought, perhaps he just didn't think
but either way humanity is on the brink

Of growing further apart, the rich from the poor
and no one seems to give it a second thought
nobody cares about all of the suffering
and that we could all fix if it we just did something

The world is out of balance and I just can't take it
all the ignorance and apathy this world is so fake
cause people just don't think and when they try to imagine
they can't or ignore it cause they're too lazy to take action

I feel sick when I see so much time and money spent
on the superficial stuff and people just get closer to death
when things go wrong it's out of sight out of mind
because no one gives a shit until it affects their life

And it feels so wrong because if I was honest
I wish I was one of those who's ignorance was the strongest
but once you realise that something is wrong
you have a responsibility that's why I wrote this song

To make people realize that if we have the means
it's our job to fix it not just wallow in our greed
we can all do better if we just stop and look
and see how easy it is to change the effort that we put

Into helping the diseased and the poverty struck
I think it's high time people started to give a fuck
but unless average people start to think they can help
things will stay the same and earth will continue to be hell

It's down to you and not to anybody else
because everybody thinks that it shouldn't be themselves
so please stop being selfish and start to do what you should
and die knowing that you did everything you could

It actually works well

I see the world how it needs to be seen, my eyes can be whatever I want them to be. Because sometimes my eyes deserve more than the truth, sometimes, they deserve to have their faith rewarded. And so the world will hunt my eyes, because it has to, because I can take it. Because my eyes are what the world needs right now, but not what it deserves, they are a silent searcher, a watchful optimist, a dark kn(eye)t

I thought I'd write this all down because once your problems are out there for you to see it sometimes seems all a little better, and I think I need to feel better. I don't really know how to start, except with that I'm feeling alone. I know I'm not alone, I have so many amazing friends and I love them all so much, and they're my best friends and I just can't believe I'm so lucky to have them. But I'm selfish, and I just want one person all to myself, and seeing as no one is as amazing as the people I already do know then there's no point looking for someone who's just going to be second best to them. And school work is driving me so insane it's scary. I just want life to settle down and I want to relax. Someone tell me everything is going to be alright.

People I can tell everything (no particular order I just wanted to write it down)
William
Briana
Tierney
Alexandra
And that's it, I'm luck to have that many yey

'Tis all over once and for all

I'm just going to write about not writing about a post bitching about the one and only girl I talk about on here because she isn't worth my time

I had the weirdest dream last night, in fact it was so weird I don't know if I dreamt it two nights ago, forgot about it and redreamt it last night and remembered it. Ok, so I was on a holiday somewhere, and there was this lake sort of, more like layers of waterfalls, with like 300 metres of flat water in between each one, and the waterfalls were only about 2 metres high, anyway, the water was deep at the top layer of the waterfall stream thingy, and there was a cliff overhanging it so you could jump into it, and then swim over and fall off the first water fall into the intermediate lake in between that and the next waterfall, and it had a beach you could swim to and get out and run back to the cliff to jump in again. The water was like bright bright dark blue, but if you opened your eyes underwater you could see perfectly, and the bottom of the lake thing was perfectly white sand which was shallow enough to stand up in when you were in the second layer. Ok, so in the dream I ran up to the cliff and jumped in, and I got sucked under and I couldn't get back to the surface of the deep part, and the pressure in my ears kept getting stronger and stronger until they popped, and that's when I woke up and I felt all this gunky goo flowing out of my ear into my pillow, along with an egg (like a chickens egg) of course this was still part of the dream, anyway I washed this gunk off (it was green) and then I took the egg to the kitchen and put it with the other eggs in the egg carton, and it got mixed up there but I found it again and took it back to my room and then that's when I REALLY woke up. And I'm awake now thinking wut. But most importantly I'm thinking what will the egg hatch into?

The only way a opposite gender best friend situation can work, is if both people don't know or aren't friends with any of the other peoples friends. Don't get me wrong you can be amazing, fantastic, indescribable friends if you're in a group with other people, but knowing that you can say that someone is your best friend and that they can say it too and no one will think twice or think to themselves, 'well I'm her/his best friend too' is when everything just falls into place. Being best friends is a possessive selfish thing, you want to feel like you own that person, and feel like they own you, and same goes for them, you want to own each other as much as you want to be owned by them. You want to know that if someone asks your best friend 'who's your best friend?' that they're going to say your name straight away, regardless if you're there with them or you're on the other side of the world. That knowledge is consolation enough to live life in a perpetually happy mood.

I'm in a pickle, not really, but sort of. I'm stuck on a girl who has no interest in me anymore and ignores me. Now I'm cool with this, I'm fine with living in constant pain for someone I love, but by golly it's tiring. Anywho, the thing is, I've since learnt that people can move on from people they love, not stop loving them, but just love somebody in a different way and perhaps a little more. So I know if she doesn't start to respond it's inevitable that I'll move on. However, it should have already happened. Now, with my dashing good looks and boyish charm I could put myself in the running for many other girls. But I don't want to, it's like betraying myself, and I don't want to do it, but I want to do it at the same time. Any time a girl seems attractive or possibly friend worthy (Unless they're in a relationship in which case they ironically become my closest friends) I shut out the thoughts, not because I'm scared of getting hurt like you hear so many other people say, but because I don't want to betray myself even though I have no loyalty to the girl. Lame I know. But still, I think I need to turn into the manwhore I became after the first girl I loved (this being the second) and go on a spree of make outs and such. But I've learn that Michael Jackson was right, and I shouldn't go around breaking young girls hearts (HEE hee) so I still don't know what I to do or how to do it. Advice pls.

People are going to realise how stupid the idea of universal identical education is soon, the concept of a blanket curriculum and the idea of treating every student fairly by treating them the same is ridiculously flawed. People are born different, and so should be treated different, and also, society is forcing children into something unnatural and quite literally against nature. A typical school puts it's faith in the idea that a fair test is an identical test. I don't even understand how giving different people the same test and thinking that the upbringing and environment of every student won't have an impact on the final result, it is barbaric. There is no such thing as a fair test or a way to accurately measure (with a scale) the intelligence of every human being. Furthermore, when teenagers go through puberty, they, by definition become more emotional. And in case no one had realised, the section of the brain dedicated to learning is also the emotional headquarters, and of course this will have an effect on they're education for fucks sake. Education is necessary, but the system is fucked. Society says everyone has a right to an education, and although the government does offer free state schools, we live in a society where no one will employ anyone without a degree, and some fuckwit decided to make universities independent and to be paid for, thus ruining the whole idea of the right to an education. The world is so fucked, we should at least try to put off fucking up the next generation for as long as possible, and not ruining their brains.

I was recently away on a camping holiday for the last week, and had no reception for internet for phone and so I was in total off the grid land. Anywho, I had a number of weird/awesome/different experiences and I even wrote them down so I didn't forget them. Starting off, I had a dream that everything was back to normal with that lady and I, the one who I miss so much, the one who the songs are about, anywho it was very vivid and I nearly cried when I woke up because I was so upset it wasn't real and I wasn't sitting down with her making her laugh, I was waking up in a sleeping back in a tent on a deflating air mattress. Not the best way to ease oneself out of an amazing fantasy. Second is that I had a conversation with a spider, and with a little help he moved away from my pillow and walked all the way to my brothers toes. I was surprised. We had perfect weather for the first 5 days and on the fifth night I had a dream that when I woke up it would be cloudy, and it was. I was freaked out, and I thought if this is a premonition then maybe the dream about my lady friend is one too. But I doubt it. Hmmm what else happened, umm I had a few other weird dreams but nothing worthy of mentioning, and I missed people so much, I missed talking to the people I talk to all the time, and I missed two people lots, yes you miss 'the only person with this blogs direct URL' and your best-friend. Gosh I'm glad to be back even though you're not. I went to a party last night, and I was drinking and I even had the thought of getting with someone, and then I didn't, and regretted it, and now sitting here, I don't regret it at all, funny things alcohol does to you, but no I didn't make out with anyone, although that night just cemented in my head that I shouldn't drink as I start to swear and be judgemental. Which is two things I don't like. Anywho enough of this post I think I'm done here. Toodleoo

My friend wrote this to me just then, she's a goddess

• There once was a boy called Matthew
• Who went out one day
• And never quite came back the same
• For on his journey
• He came across the oddest oddity
• There were circles of wild flowers, colour coded and perfectly round
• The loops went on for some time
• So he followed their trail
• He steppe delicately in the centres as not to disturb the posies
• It must have been thirteen minutes before he stepped into the final ring
• But when he placed his weight in the middle
• He fell straight through the ground
• He fell through the hole, surrounded by the brightest shades
• He fell right through red, yellow and orange, all the way to violet

  • ntil he Landed in a pool of water
  • However
  • It wasn't just water he came to realise
  • It felt like soft bubbles were tickling his skin and it was a colour that had never existed before!
  • He waded through the pool
  • Looking for a sign of where he was
  • But there was nobody to be seen, no longer could he see any of the sun's magnificent rays
  • All that lit the cove were the majestical colours, flickering as if alive
  • He swam in circles, looking for a way out

    • But still no way
    • He decided to dive under
    • Unsure of how deep the pool was, he drew an enormous breath, held his nose and immersed himself fully in the foamy-feeling liquid
    • Down down down he swam
    • His oxygen was being used up fast!
    • Instinctively, he opened his mouth, gasping for the sacred air he desperately needed

      • Of course, it was not air that filled his lungs, but the colourful liquid
      • He panicked!
      • However to his surprise, the liquid was not drowning him,
      • Instead, he felt faster, more agile
      • He could see clearly

        • And he couldn't feel the cold
        • There was a warm sensation building from within his chest
        • And within moments his skin transformed, becoming silky and reflecting the colours of the water with such gleam that the skin had in fact attributed an aurora effect
        • His ears became pointy (hehe) and he could hear all the echoes of the movements in the pool he ha once thought he was alone in
        • An enchanting song filled his ears, caressing his heart like no other girl ever had
        • He ha to follow the music
        • There was no conscious choice!
        • With his newfound strength the swim did not take long
        • And before him
        • Was the most beautiful young girl he had ever laid eyes on
        • He was entranced with her beauty and her voice

          • He swam right jn front of her, and saw into her golden eyes
          • She did not blink or shy away, she held his gaze and smiled
          • Matthew held out his hand to touch hers
          • "I must know your name" he said, still not losing her gaze
          • She opened her mouth, but what sounds left her lips were not of a language he understood
          • Somehow, without speaking her language, he could comprehend
          • It was as if fate had installed an internal translator
          • And the product was not words, not pictures
          • But a feeling
          • It told him, "What is more important than my name is my song. You will know my name when you know the last note"
          • And before he could say any more, her hand began to fade away beneath his
          • Her whole body was fading and being swallowed up by a brilliant light
          • It was as if she had never been there at all
          • The only remnant was the feeling he had
          • He thought about what she had told him
          • How could he know the last note?
          • It was an impossible riddle
          • But his heart told him he had to solve it
          • Matthew, so lost in love, had neglected to realise that the pool was draining

            • The liquid had already sunk so low that his head was in the air
            • He had swum so deep! The water was rescinding at such an incredible rate, although there was no knowing how long he had been down there
            • There had been no ledge above him, no land to walk on. The only way out was through the water, and the liquid had to be leaking out of a hole somewhere!
            • He scanned the cove for the drain, to no avail
            • Just as he had begun to lose hope of ever finding his way out, a piercing whistle sounded
            • Immediately he was swarmed with thousands of little creatures darting for what he hoped was an escape
            • He raced after them as fast as he could, though they were much faster
            • Just in time to see the last few squeeze through a tiny tunnel, Matthew caught up
            • Tiny tunnel, dragonfly-sized escapees, human-sized Matthew. It didn't add up

              • Scouring the silvery walls for a secret door, the water was slipping away to a critically low level
              • And he didn't know if he would be able to survive on air anymore now that his body had changed
              • He thought about the adventure films he had seen, the books he had read and the dreams he had created but none helped
              • With the added confusion of the golden-eyed girl's riddle, he was having trouble thinking clearly anyway!

                • The girl! She had disappeared, but maybe she had known the water was draining. He wasn't much larger than her, maybe that was the key.
                • He had to call her back, but how can you call somebody without a name?
                • He needed to solve the riddle, and not just for his heart this time, but for his lungs
                • He closed his eyes and tried to channel his emotions. He had felt her words, perhaps he could feel her song too
                • The warming in his heart seemed to trickle through his veins, filling every part of his new, unfamiliar body
                • The sensation reached his toes and in that instant, he heard it
                • The melody was sublime, the harmony intrinsic. It was indescribable. It was her heart song. She had stolen his heart, and now, it had become his heart song too
                • Lleliady. (ley-lee-a-dee) that was her name. It wasn't English, nor Japanese or even an ancient tongue. It was the language of the faeries, of the tweens.
                • He opened his eyes and there she was, her hair was like strands of glitter suspended in the water, but he had no time to bask in her beauty. Time was running thin
                • She took both his hands
                • Locking eyes, their bodies became freezing cold for a moment, then boiling hot the next.
                • The light came and then the darkness
                • He felt so light, so filled with nothingness that he felt completely full
                • When his senses returned, he saw her once more, felt her language.
                • "Matthew, you have shown your love, you have experienced our side. But you are not meant for my world. Not yet. Your life as a human is not complete, but your life with me, as someone between heaven and earth, your life in the tweenlands is to come. I will wait for you, but you cannot wait for me."
                  There was nothing he could say, not because he didn't have anything to say, but because he physically could not.
                  They walked together, hand-in-hand, back through the forest, past the flower circles, the gateway to the tweenlands. They walked in silence back to his home, but the magic between them was the greatest of all

You know what? There is alot of people who deserve to have every bone in their face broken. Fuck people who are condescending, fuck people that get tattoos on their face, fuck people who can't tell the different between 'your' and 'you're'. Fuck people who bring down other people for attention and praise from other fuckbags. Fuck people who don't reply to your texts. Fuck people who talk when no one's listening. Fuck people who don't listen. Fuck people who type in capitals on Facebook. Fuck people who don't smile. Fuck people who sarcastically smile. Fuck people who complain that their bank account balance is below $100 when I don't even have a bank account. Fuck people who listen to One Direction. Fuck people who read tabloids. Fuck housewives who have grey hair and die their hair blonde. Fuck guys who get fake tans. Fuck parents. Fuck little sisters. Fuck older brothers. Fuck people who complain about me not wearing shoes in public. Fuck people who buy a car worth $200 and spend $3000 on a sound system for it. Fuck people who buy their kids everything they ever wanted. Fuck people who watch Desperate Housewives. Fuck people who say 'boiz'. Fuck bogans. Fuck people who have rats tails that go past their shoulders. Fuck bitches. Fuck girls who wear too much make up. Fuck guys who wear any make up. Fuck Twihards. Fuck 13 year olds who say they're 90's kids. Fuck school principals. Fuck politicians. Fuck people who act drunk after one beer. Fuck people who throw up after one beer. Fuck people who tell other people to turn their music down. Fuck people who can't keep a secret. Fuck people who sleep with a blindfold on (I mean what the fuck?). But most of all, more than anything else, fuck the ultra fucking king of fuckheads; Amon from Legend of Korra, honestly someone needs to fucking murder that fuckwit.

Finally Over

I think it's done, I think I've finally let go, that is all

The things we used to do

We could spend hours sitting next to eachother not talking, but understanding everything, I'd have my hand around her, I'd tease her, she'd chuckle but she'd return the affection. Snuggling with me, or sitting opposite from eachother with our knees and legs interlocked talking, me tickling her legs. Her hair would always get in my face, and it always smelt perfect, her face, her pout, her smile, her reluctance to smile when I teased. Me playing with her tiny fingers, taking her ring on and off, and staring at her eyes, rarely looking back at me but when they did they locked for what seemed like an eternity. Her playful chuckle when she knew she'd taken the banter too far and might have offended me, and her apologies filled with things that make me smile and forget whatever it was she said. The way she playfully struggled in my arms for a few seconds then held onto me tighter than I was holding her. Her chin digging into my chest. He "hmph's" and "wah's", her distress when her hair straightener had broke and she was running late. She was and is perfection, and taught me what love is.

Please don't let it break, I gave my heart to you and
You don't know what's at stake, You were my only friend
My life was awful, all my thoughts were tragic
You were the only spark, you helped me find my magic


Please don't let me go, I'll wait until it's done
Please give it time to grow, just try to have some fun
You don't know what you've started, from here I won't forget it
If you come with me, I know you won't regret it


I'll give you space to think, but please don't run away
But if you wanted to, please let me have my say
Sometimes I wonder, at times when we were smiling
Did you love me, or were you just lying


You got caught up, in what your friends would do
Would they like it, or would they disapprove
We were happy, you should have let it slide
And most of them were, always on my side


Please don't let me go, I'll wait until it's done
Please give it time to grow, just try to have some fun
You don't know what you've started, from here I won't forget it
If you come with me, I know you won't regret it

It's still there

It's still there. Still on my mind. Still in my heart. Still affecting what I do. Still the first thing I think when I see it's 11:11. Still making my heart jump out of my chest when I hear her name. Still making me nervous when I'm out and I might run into her. Still making me think what if? I'm still in love. I'm still wishing and hoping that something might happen. Still wishing she'll talk to me. I haven't felt 100% in 5 months, there's been no magic in me for 5 months. Still making me smile when I see a picture of her. Still the reason I'm smiling at my computer screen as I type this. Still the reason for me randomly chuckling when I remember something she said, followed by me fishing my heart out of my stomach, where it managed to fall to. Still the source of all my sadness and tears. I need her.

Stuartholme

Stuartholme is a place where people's dreams go to die, and they don't even realise it. A variety of people might enter into that school, but only one type of person leaves it; a close minded bitch who's opinions are set in stone at the age of 17 and won't change for the rest of their lives unless something shocks them awake. Stuartholme girls are bred to get good marks, go to University, get a steady job and live out the remainder of their lives not questioning the world, merely contributing to society. A society which they have been taught will support them when really they are supporting themselves with no help from anyone. They are taught to be bitches, they are taught that the world is no longer magical, that all the questions that are worth knowing the answer to have already been answered. (and when i say taught, i don't mean by the teachers, but by the atmosphere of the place and the other students). They don't open their minds, they don't question things and they think they are always right (without even realising what they do is completely idiotic, and they don't realise that the world is a bigger place than they give it credit for) And I am scared of people from that place for that reason, and every person I meet from that school who is a bitch, I think what if they had gone to another school, would they have been a better person? I hate that place with a passion.

Hi all (no one)

I'm really bored and my exams are coming up for school, and they start on Thursday, I've done no study and I am in no mood to because it's ewwy that's all

A whole lot of poo

Dear Diary, Mood: Apathetic. lol jokes my mood is some kind of mixture between anger, sadness, jealously, guilt and a whole lot of other things, but those are the main ones. Anywho, let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start. Ok, so I'm tryna' organize this crap game, LOL jokes, ok seriously. At the moment life is being a little bit mean, just a tad. I feel like talking about everyone in my life, let's start with my dearest mother. Ok, so this afternoon, she asks me if I liked the chocolate cake she made, (simple question) I jokingly reply with a big grin, 'nah it's old, you need some new recipes' and she bursts out crying, and I sit there, ok, what have I done? (btw my mother never cries like this, it's so fucking weird, I'm weirded out like my family is becoming one of those families that is dysfunctional but has problems on a WHOLE different level, and it's scaring me. Btw there is no chance of a divorce if that sprang to mind, the one this I'm sure of is that.) My family has always been that run of the mill, arguing older brother and sister, sport on a Saturday morning, be home before 8 O'clock type family. Dad works his office job, you'll find mum in the laundry if you're looking for her type stuff. But it's gotten way out of wack. My brother triggered this, he, let us say, has lots of issues and it's hard for him to live here, as home is a haven, but he has to hide it from my sisters so he can never truly relax. Anyway, mum's always worried about him, and I think that's what triggers the crying and the perpetual sadness, and I know dad's worried but he doesn't show it, and when he does, I know shit has got bad. My dad tearing up is one of the worst feelings in the world. Anyway, I am feeling really selfish as I have lived here for about 5 years since this all started, and it's draining me and I know I shouldn't want to leave, but I can't stand my family no more. I know my brother's issues, and I know I have to keep it a secret from my sisters because they don't know. I also have to sit through my parents lectures telling me that I don't know half of what goes on in this family, when I know more than they do. I have to support my brother and always let him win every argument because it makes him feel better about himself. I have to watch when he smokes weed everyday of his life and act like it's cool so he feels he has someone at home he can relax around, all the while keeping this knowledge hidden from my parents so they don't worry about me because they have enough to worry about. My little sister is your standard annoying demon from hell little sister which adds to the pile. And all this hasn't really set in yet, I almost don't want to post it because it doesn't seem real. I see myself as an average teenage boy with average teenage problems, and that's how I want to feel. To be honest all this doesn't really get to me that much, I don't see it as a big thing but when I think about it, I don't think too many people have older brothers who have ended up in hospital more times than healthy. Anywho this isn't even the big problem, and typing this is making me depressed ahaha let's add a little fun into the mix. I don't know how I will but I'll try.Anywho, the thing that has me down at the moment. Love. I wish life could go back to 5 months ago when the girl I loved and still love loved me too. I feel like that little boy from love actually whose mum has just died but he doesn't really care about that because he's in love ahaha that's me and my family. (back to the family for a second, I don't really worry about it, and it takes up about 1% of my thoughts, so don't get too strung up on it). Anywho, this girl has left a massive hole in my life, and here's where the selfish part comes in.And I'm hesitant to type this as it ties in with the guilt. My friends all have best-friends, and I'm no one's number one anymore. I had HER, but since SHE'S gone I'm no one's numero uno. My best male friend has his lady friend who I'm also good friends with, but of course they have each other as their besties. My other male friends have girlfriends and better male friends than me. My female friends are non existent, except those younger and older than me, who are all in relationships. In terms of my male best-friend, I don't want to say anything to him, because either it will make him guilty or, more likely and more scary, he won't really care because he's blinded by love ahahah. As for his lady friend (and I know you're reading this) she would like to be if she could I think, but she can't, her having lost a best friend recently and having obviously my best-friend ahahah. Feeling like a constant jim in on their relationship. Anywho, I have no one who needs me as much as I need them since SHE left. I need her back, but she doesn't know I'm still in love with her, we don't talk, I know everything about her yet nothing. I feel alone and all I want is somebody to love thank you Freddy Mercury, preferably having HER love me back.

The Good Life

I fucking hate living in this house with my family. I'm a happy person by nature, I like to think I'm bubbly and wake up in a good mood. I like to think I joke and sing and do fun things alot, but in this house everyone else is so god damn unhappy all the time it's just a negative influence. Now don't get me wrong, I am not just bailing on this sinking ship, I have tried for years to make people sing and dance and joke with me, to try to cheer them up and make them happy, but it's like they want to be sad. Dad get's home after a 12 hour day and works another 3 hours before he goes to bed, mum is completely intolerant of anything that isn't school work. Any time spent on the internet (which I happen to believe is the greatest invention in the history of mankind), any time playing my instruments or watching TV is wasted. Any time that could be spent 'learning' (school work) and isn't is a waste. But might I say the internet has taught me far more, than school, along with life and friends, school ranks about 7, just below my parents, which come in behind a variety of other more knowledgeable sources. They get angry at me for not spending time with them, when it's blatantly obvious they are horribly company to keep, Dad barely has time for anyone anyway and they few hours I do see him he's always busy with something else. My little sister has perpetually been in a bad mood since grade one, and my older sister has perpetually had the mental capacity of a tenth grader since she graduated. Older brother, he's the closest to me, he jokes, but he's never really happy, he is the most mature, but he gets sucked into the negativity all to easily. I refuse to be dragged into it. I refuse to join in with this game that they seem to have going on 'who can be the saddest for the longest'. Scratch that. Dad just walked in. I know my father is a brilliant man, but sometimes I forget. He just reminded me why. As he said, like his father before him, hard work never killed anyone. I think he lives too much by that though, if you're living your life in constant emotional mediocrity, then is it really living? I need to get out of here, before it gets to me. I don't want to lose what little bit of magic I have left in me like everyone else has.

Luck be a Lady Tonight

I'm in love with this song, and I just want my voice to not be sore so it's not croaky when I sing :(

Yippeeee!

Just got bored and made a GIF of the drawings I did a while ago

Oh Hello there

Let's write a rant, I'm fucking bored and I've got nothing better too do that just write on here, blah blah I'm just going to keep typing and talking out loud what I am going to type, it's a refreshing experience and at the moment I'm listening to Tim Minchin play rock and roll nerd, omfg I love him he's amazing and i want to be in his pants lololololol I'm really tired and I've just spent the last 3 hours playing halo on-line and getting crewed over by fucking noobs, now pardon my French. Anywho, SACRE BLEU, INVADERS! lololol anyone? no? ok. this probs make's no sense to anyone reading this and I don't even care, imma be so famous one day lol no ok I'm just typing random shit and it's rather entertaining actually, I wrote a song the other day and I got my buddy to sing it, I'm so proud it actually sounds good, thanks to my Williams voice. He's such a lovely boy.

And deep in his heart, he knows he will never be Bono or Bowie. lololol I am making zero sense and i just want to have a beer I am craving it and Briana if you stalk this don't think I've completely lost the plot, this was me in my golden stage, I was just ranting all the day every day I'm feeling better and it reminds me of how i was on the Christmas holidays, with the ability to say whatever the hell I wanted and say it good too. The gift of the gab, my dad has it too, we just banter lolo fotc? anyone? hey Brit, what did you do today? I went to the bank? the New Zealand crowd they just loved it. a;fklasdj;flkajf Anyway there are so many spelling mistakes looking up as I have typed this all in one go and so fast that I haven't been checking what I'm saying it's gonna be fun going back through and correcting all this shit, and I got peeps talking to me on fb, bitches be Cray, oh and i ran into some crazy bitches this afternoon, apparently they hate me, well I hate them, and if each one of them got chosen to go on a solo mission to the sun and died, they'd deserve it. No, I'd never wish death on no one, but they need a rude awakening, like a massive shock ahahaha lol I've lost it I'm going to correct this spelling and be off,.

Nothing really

I hadn't posted in a while but I'd thought I'd write this down so I'm admitting it to myself so it becomes real. I'm actually feeling alot happier! I'm making jokes I'm being creative again I'm relaxed I'm getting there yay!

I'm in a writing mood

Ok I just feel like writing stuff so I'm going to keep this entry open all day and add to it when I feel some random thought or idea or anything pop into my head which I feel the need to write about, and at the end of my writing mood I'll post it. It is bound to go off an tangents and make little sense to people who aren't me, but hey, no one is really going to read it anyway. And typing that paragraph I just typed was rally difficult as my hands and fingers are really cold and not working properly. Even typing now is painful so I'm going to come back when my hands are awake and warm! Ok I'm back and I'm singing Belle from beauty and the beast and I want to be able to sing better, some days I can sing great, (I think) other days I just can't hit any notes and I sound like balls. Learning to sing is on my list of things to learn how to do properly, along with tap dance, finish learning piano, guitar and drums. Ok, another break... I just finished my music composition! (the actual music that goes with the lyrics I posted earlier) I can't actually play it that well but I'll see if I can upload it later. I don't know why I'm talking like I have an audience. I know only one person has the URL for this so it's unlikely anyone is really ever going to read this, but yeah, let's talk like people are listening! Very few people actually listen these days, people don't understand things because they don't listen. Words are magic but they don't work if people don't listen. Silly people. Ok I'm back again, and I know anyone who reads this won't notice the time delay because this is all posted at once but I don't even care lolol. I'm going to have one more try and recording this song then imma upload it! Ok I just finished recording it and it's nowhere near perfect but I'm going to upload it anyway! Woo me. Oh great I can't find a way to upload it, imma post this and search some more!

Because I felt like it

I have kept a folder of all the photo's I come across which remind me of the person who the post 'her' is dedicated to. Some of them might not make sense to anyone who reads this, but some of them are obvious, I just thought I'd post them, because they are all true 100%.